Oh the joy of calving heifers,
Not quite what it’s said to be.
I know it’s a necessary evil,
But it’s a stumbling block for me.
Rest of the year I can keep my cool,
But sometimes I’d prefer a colonoscopy.
Than having to deal with an estrogen filled,
Adrenaline driven, bovine, teen pregnancy.
Sure fire way to double the herd,
I’d buy 300 first calf heifers.
But everyone is set in their way,
Like liberal college professors.
They started right on time for heifers,
First one came 4 weeks back.
So it sure took me by surprise,
When I noticed that girls water sack.
By the time I got to the barn,
There was one foot sticking out.
So I guess it’s safe to say,
I think she’s calving, without a doubt.
We spent a second squaring off,
Sort of a head catch “doe-si-doe”
Then “allemande left” with the chute gate,
And a nice “heel kick” to finish the show.
Still reeling a bit – from her little love tap,
I stagger to gain some composure.
Strip down to my T and pull on my sleeve,
Hope I don’t catch a cold from exposure.
I need to work quick, there’s no time to spare
But I can’t work my way in the door
She’s whacking my face with that nasty ol’ tail
A distraction that’s hard to ignore.
Cowboy savvy wins again,
I tied her tail to the top of the panel
I am always prepared with a bit of twine
(It keeps my rope tied on my saddle)
Quarterback stance like I’m calling the play
Take the snap and I’m going in.
Sweep left; sweep right – by the feel of things,
Let the calving by braille begin.
The first leg I find, is headed north,
The Second is headed south.
After a minute I found the head,
Pointed down, with tongue sticking out.
It takes both hands to straighten things out,
Before I know it, I’m in – elbow deep.
Judging by the size of this here calf,
I think I know why they sold em so cheap.
I’m trying to reach the head,
By now I’m in clear to my pits.
I don’t require an education to figure,
How big of mason jar both your arms can fit.
About this time she decides to help,
She starts to contract, push, and spin.
Its then I learned something – I didn’t know,
My shoulders could touch right under my chin.
About now I’m starting to question,
The art of my technique.
Because when she pushed, all that was inside,
Was now on my moustache and cheek.
I hurry and get things right,
Hook up the chains and start to pull.
Don’t think the last owner knew the difference,
Between an Angus and a Limousin bull.
I get him pulled just in time,
It’s obvious he spent too long stuck.
He just lays there with a swollen head,
Now comes the fun of getting dummy to suck.
We now adjust our positions,
Its time to start the suckle dance.
I’ve got him flanked between my knees,
Just sure it would be love at first glance.
I ease him forward with my legs,
While I’m pushing down his head.
I’m trying to show him where to drink,
He just sucks on her leg instead.
I’m now crouched even lower,
With my head in flank, and teat in hand.
I’m looking more like a Chihuahua,
Trying to pass a pound of sand.
His belly’s full and laid in the straw,
We’re both wore out, him and me.
The heifers turned loose and no surprise,
She’s about as loving as Nancy Pelosi.
So you can say I’ve got this mastered,
Shouldn’t be much more I need to know.
I’m a self-proclaimed, master bovine OBGYN,
With only 299 left to go.